I Cancelled My Gym Membership

and I feel really great about it

I cancelled my gym membership in March and I feel GREAT. The best I’ve ever felt in my life, the happiest I’ve ever been.

My identity has been very much shaped and informed by my persona as a ‘fitness person’. I’d guess that most influencers who become famous for being fit really enjoy the gym. I mean, I liked it, it was nice-ish. But I was never totally obsessed with it. I liked it in a casual way, and to be perfectly honest, if my Instagram hadn’t exploded like it did, I would probably have quit the gym like everybody else does after the NY.

My Instagram profile took off at the same time when I started working out. So I was learning and figuring all this out at the same time. My form wasn’t perfect - not even close, I couldn’t squat more than 30kg and I couldn’t do one pull-up. I was not actually that physically fit, but I had a body that was in line with beauty standards, so I fit the bill. I remember a well known male fitness coach telling me, “the women at the school drop off don’t want to look like a bodybuilder, they want to look like you”. Insert vomit emoji. But he was right, I sold a lot of PDF guides. I learnt a lot about fitness; about supersets and correct form and tempo and rest days and created a really great eBook that sold over 30,000 copies (it’s now on sale for $5)*.

*What’s wild is that fitness culture is so strong that even me saying: “I have quit this, I don’t do this anymore”, has resulted in me selling thousands of this eBook in the past week. Closing down my fitness business is weird. I’m trying to clear out stock and sell a product that I know is actually very good. But I’m also being honest about the fact that I don’t use this product anymore either. So I’m just being super messy and whatever. Everything is on sale and I hate squats. Anyway, back to it!

I felt like the fitness persona that I had become wasn’t me. And it was difficult to change it, when that was what I was known for, that was how I earned my income, that was how I was ‘somebody’.

I become very obsessed with my body. My body was a reflection of my success. It worked like this in my head: post photo to IG —> make sales —> successful person = happy person. To ensure this photo ‘made sales’ I had to ensure my body looked great, but it never looked good enough, especially muscular enough — because I was still quite new to fitness, my muscles couldn’t get big enough, quick enough. I constantly felt disappointed and embarrassed by my body and lack of definition, that I wasn’t strong enough, my delts weren’t defined, I had no biceps, my butt could be bigger… the list could go on and on.

As I came to ditch diet culture and seperate my identity from my body, I understood the joy of movement, I felt like; yes this is what it’s supposed to be. Working out feels amazing — but I had some serious body image/identity issues that I needed to unpack. Firstly, I couldn’t sell a fitness guide that relied on images of myself to sell it. I wanted to workout because yeah, it did feel good, but not to make money from it. Because that fucked me up. I thought I could be an anti-diet fitness influencer but I couldn’t do it either. I still become obsessive about my body and tied my sales to my self worth. I knew I couldn’t make this my income anymore, (this also explains why I’m removing the guides at the end of this week).

I floated between this space for almost 3 years not quite ready to let that life go, and it was only when I started meditating regularly late last year that things started to change. Sid would leave for the gym (what’s it’s like to have a healthy relationship with the gym? lol) and I’d use the time to meditate or walk in nature; I realised I couldn’t make time for both, so I dropped the gym. And then it kinda worked its magic on me. The meditation. It made me feel less attached to money, material possessions, my beauty/youth/body; it was an easy decision to not spend my precious time following fake rules made by other people to make them richer and destroy the planet.

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A few common questions I had which I’ll answer below:

Do you miss the gym?
No. Haha! I do think it’s a bit like doing something you don’t want to do though, and then when you’re doing it, you remember you actually like it. You like the endorphins and vibing to your music. The one thought I have in my mind is that I know, I KNOW, building muscle is really good for overall health. I am *interested* in one day getting back into fitness, but if and when I do, I won’t be posting about it; I’ll just do my own thing and it won’t be related to any financial incentive. For now, my nature walks are enough for the physical health of my body.

How has your body changed since quitting the gym?
It’s funny because I feel like I need to go actually examine my body and check it out, because I haven’t paid that much attention to it. But it’s cold and I don’t want to get naked right now lol. I’m assuming I look pretty much the same as before but just less muscle tone; I’m softer, there’s not much muscle definition when I flex (except in my calves!), and I am physically a lot weaker. I found once I started meditating regularly I become less interested in my body’s appearance.

Has it been difficult to accept your changing body?
Firstly, my body has always fit within the standards of beauty culture, even before I picked up a dumbbell. But now, it’s actually been easier for me to accept and love my body — possibly because I’m not posting hundreds of photos for strangers to comment on my lack of muscle tone. I also have spent a lot of time during meditation and spiritual contemplation feeling very ‘body is a shell’ vibes. I thought for a long time about the difference between a small waist and a small pinkie toe and I couldn’t see how one was more beautiful than the other. It’s all made up fairy dust.

Didn’t you miss how your body used to look? Do you fear losing your positive mindset regarding your outer appearance?
Maybe when I see an old photo of myself, I think: damn I looked hot, haha, but then I remember how freaking sad and miserable I was; how I thought I looked so awful, and I just feel super grateful that I’m not in that place anymore. I love to look at my body now and just love every part of my skin for what it is. Not for a curve, or a collarbone, or a space between my thighs, but just to be grateful for my legs which allow me to walk, and my hands which allow me to touch, and my breathe which allow me to come home. I know this sounds a little ‘woo woo’, but once you really get it, know it that your body is beautiful just like a tree, just like a flower, that it is no different than nature, you ARE nature; that beauty standards are made up to make a small bunch of people very rich; it feels very empowering to love yourself. To see that the fear of wrinkles and fat and saggy skin and a small butt, is just not real. Once you see it, you don’t unsee it. So I’m not worried!

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Any more questions, feel free to comment below.

Sending warm hugs,

Madalin x