How to Become a Quitter: The key to joy

We don't need to add anything, let's consider what we can let go.

If there’s anything more difficult to do, it’s quitting something that rebels against the status quo. 

To quit something we are told will keep us safe, will make us happy, will bring us success. Actually, the decision to quit is difficult but the doing is easy. Because it is freedom, joy, laughter, peace; it is the most beautiful thing in the world. You’ll be wondering, why didn’t I quit earlier?

I’ve had the real life experience of what we’re taught brings joy. I’ve been blessed to experience fame, status, and wealth, not because it was enjoyable, but because of the experience; realising they are not joy. 

For those whom wealth touches, 
Gold irritates the skin.
For those on whom fame blows, 
Life fogs over. 

On those for whom happiness
Is their sun, night will fall.
But those who hope for nothing
Are glad for whatever comes.

- Fernando Pessoa

If you need to taste the thing then maybe pause here. Chase the youth, the glutes, the timeless wardrobe, the perfect husband, the Instagram followers. Chase it all. Come back when you achieve it and you’re still not satisfied or come back when you don’t achieve it and you’re fed up. Come back when you realise it was all a ridiculous game and we can get started on the real trip ;) 

I talk about quitting diet culture a lot. I have researched the ‘how-to’ for years. What I’ve realised is that we can’t quit dieting through intellectual understanding or reason (if the 95% failure rate still hasn’t convinced us, what will?). Quitting diet culture means to tap out of the cultural narrative that tells us we are not enough. The culture that tells us to buy $3 bikinis, to inject poison into our skin, to insert plastic into our bodies, to buy handbags the price of a small car, to destroy the planet and ourselves with #selflove and #youdoyouboo. The men-tal culture that tells us women don’t get old or grey, that we need a man to feel secure, that empowerment can be bought at a Black Friday sale. 

In a world that values beauty, youth, and thinness how do we say no? As even our fav body positive influencers promote freezing frown lines, how do we tap out?

Do we only tap out when the juice isn’t worth the squeeze? Is it easier to quit trying to lose weight and instead keep up the hair bleach and the injectables and just try to love our bodies; pay the beauty tax and accept what we can’t buy? Are they the options on the table? Reluctant acceptance? I can accept paying my water bill on time, but I won’t do that to my body — no chance. My body is a beautiful miracle of life, it is majestic, it is wondrous: a marvel! I refuse to simply accept it. I want to radiate in it. I want to worship it. I want to love it deeply and unconditionally. 

Chasing little gods will lead to either disappointment or satisfaction; disappointment may lead to reluctant acceptance and prideful satisfaction may last a few seconds/minutes/hours before we’re running after another little god. We are within a 1" x 1" box working our way up and down, down and up the ladder. Step outside the box and the options are limitless. Living outside the box is where life is meant to be lived. 

satisfaction is a lowly
thing, how pure a thing is joy. 

- Marianne Morre 

I can hear you thinking… but Madalin, you live higher up the box it’s easier for you to quit. I mean sure. I have more privileges. But sometimes the more privilege we have, the harder those privileges are to let go. It was nice and cosy there in that box for me. We keep aiming for the top of the box and the golden handcuffs keep us there. It’s why so many people continue to work high paid jobs that they despise. They want to quit, but the pay is just so damn good, they get accustomed to a certain lifestyle and it becomes more and more difficult to give it up. I mean, I’ve been paid $5k for promoting skin care products (that you don’t really need). So why did I give it up? Because it is worthless. Because it is a lie. Because it isn’t real.  

If you want to figure out how to keep climbing up the ladder this newsletter isn’t for you. It’s easy to sell to people who want to keep climbing, ask any fitness influencer, beauty executive or #girlboss and they’ll tell you how much it’s worth. It’s not a hard sell to convince you that this sheet mask or ab workout or skinny tea will change your life (this time!).

You’ll find out soon enough that a box you thought was made of layers of steel and concrete (maybe you didn’t even realise it was a box) is made of smoke and dust, it’s built on nothing, it means nothing. And we’ve been buying the story for far too long. 

If we want to quit diet culture (like, for real real!) we need to be prepared to quit everything that we relied on to keep us safe, and that can feel very scary. Thinness keeps us safe, beauty keeps us safe, youth keeps us safe, sticking to the status quo keeps us safe (or does it?). A false, shaky security, sure, but a miserable one. We may not need to quit it all, but be prepared to be curious, to examine, to question, to think critically.

There is no marketable 12 Week Guide to Quit Diet Culture. I don’t have one. Everyone’s journey is unique but it will all lead us to the same realisation, the same place, the same beautiful destination outside the box.

Still wondering if you want to live outside the box? 

What would happen if we were to prioritise joy over satisfaction? Do we even know the difference between the two? When was the last time we felt truly joyful? I’ve felt satisfied at many points in my life. I remember stepping onto the plane in LA, settling into my business class seat, sipping champagne and feeling, yes this is it. I felt intensely satisfied and proud, but it was not joy. It did not last. True joy can only be experienced to be understood. 

For too long we have been chasing satisfaction and not prioritising joy. We have even confused satisfaction for joy, making do with crumbs and missing the entire party.

I’m not selling you anything today. I feel compelled to share my joy with you, and I want to help you access it too. My joy is simple and tiny. My joy is all free. It is not the satisfaction of building a million dollar business and a million followers, it is the joy of birds singing in the rain, a friend’s laugh, my Dad’s eyes, the sun on my window, my Nonna’s hugs, a warm mug, a bop on the radio, fresh mint picked from my garden. My joy is endless.

Don’t say my hut has nothing to offer:
come and I will share with you
the cool breeze that fills my window

- Ryōkan

How to get out of the box? I get frustrated when I read books and they talk in euphemisms and concepts, yeah yeah cool, but what did you actually do? Well, we have to want to get out of the box. We need to have a willingness to explore what life would look like out of the box.

I know what the sell is for staying in the box. There’s so much we can do to ‘improve’. We can choose between affirmations, feminist literature, social media detoxing, breathwork, watermelon juice, mirror work, or morning pages. Alternatively, there are superficial ‘improvements’ such as weight loss, Botox, Charlotte Tilbury Hollywood Flawless Filter, Dior handbags, breast implants, the latest Range Rover etc, etc.

But from breathwork to breast implants, if we treat these as solutions to our suffering, they won’t fill the void. And that’s exactly what we do. We suffer and we patch it up in an effort to fill our gaping wounds.

The problem is suffering and the solution is consumption.

Really, we don’t need to consume anything. Some of these improvements can be helpful tools, but that’s all they are. They are tools to support us along the journey. If we only participate in the tools (and let’s be honest, most of us do), we’re not really addressing the root of our suffering.

I heard this on a podcast the other day; an influencer was asked “what is your personal goal for this year?” She replied, “I want to work as hard as I can, in as small amount of time as possible. I feel like if the ball is not rolling, I don’t feel as happy, as fulfilled… so my personal goal is to keep myself motivated, to keep myself moving… make as much money as possible in 2 hours.” 

Don’t so many of us feel the same way? That’s the aim. Work as little as possible, make as much money as possible, but be constantly busy so we feel productive and valuable.

Madeleine Dore writes about productivity guilt in, I Didn’t Do The Thing Today, “For many of us, our days become containers for internalised capitalism, or the prevailing sense that what we do is tied to our worth. When we conflate productivity with worthiness, what we do is never enough. We can always do more, and there is always more to do.”

We are constantly looking for something to do, to add, to fix, to improve ourselves in a culture that measures our worth through output. The simple truth is: we are everything, we are lovable, we are whole, just as we are. 

We don’t need to add anything to our life. Not a thing. We are perfect just as we are. But we hate to hear this! Sell me something, I can hear you pleading. Give me something to do! Give me a challenge, a guide, a workbook… give me something. We are so set on doing because the doing makes us feel valued. Makes us feel like we are doing something good. We have purpose, we are striving, we are not lazy, we are busy! But we don’t need to do anything. Just be. Just be ourselves. It’s not about what we need to add to our life, but the ability to surrender and let go of everything, believe in our innate goodness, to be ourselves, to love ourselves, to find joy in the breeze.  

I suggest you find 15 minutes a day to just sit and stare out the window in silence. That would be a wiser remedy to suffering than reading any book, completing any course, or finding the perfect morning routine. But recommending ‘doing nothing’ is a bit of a hard-not-sexy-or-fun sell.

So, what to do?! 

There is no expansion without contraction, there is no birth without pain; there is no evolution without suffering. - Ilea Delio. 

When we suffer we reach for something to numb the pain, we consume, we avoid, we procrastinate, we produce, we do anything to not feel the pain. So the first thing we need to be is observant of the suffering. It’s not a doing, but a being. We are not trying to repress or distract from pain, we just lovingly observe and witness our thoughts. Become aware of what you are thinking. Just label them. Notice them and become aware each time. As you become more aware of this voice, you can practise observing this voice with kindness, patience, and compassion and you can practise sending that outward to others. 

At first it might seem difficult, your ego may rebel against you, and make all sorts of excuses why this is a bad idea. Acknowledge that too. Love that part of you too. The more consistently you practise doing this, the more natural and habitual this behaviour will become.

When suffering is observed in a loving, tender way, this provides space for forgiveness and understanding, which leads to joy and gratitude. We begin to have insights; these do not come from a book or person, but from ourselves. We become our own teacher. We may observe a golden leaf and recognise the beauty in its impermanent nature, connect that to the beauty of our impermanent nature, our sagging skin, our wrinkled brows, our grey hair. I can tell you, but you are your own guru.

Now, for a real life before and after story (we love a transformation story!).

I’ve been practising this regularly for the past 6 months, and I really only started when I was studying for uni exams at the end of last year, I was having trouble focussing, I was aware how much I had to study (I had left it too late!) and I was spiralling with ‘what ifs’. I read the spine of a book, “Be Here Now”, and it resonated with me. It became my mantra, and I started reading more spiritual books, and practised observing my thoughts.

I didn’t plan to stop weighing myself, to quit accepting PR packages, to stop shopping at Zara, to reduce my skincare routine, to cancel my gym membership, to scrap my quarterly Botox appointments; I didn’t plan to quit any of these things. They came as a result of loving awareness. 

All we have to be is loving towards ourselves. That’s it. Everything else will come. 

Then we just add in the tools that help us on that journey. I meditate, spend time with friends, laugh, practice breathwork, eat lots of fruit and veggies, and walk a lot. But I don’t do these things to patch up my wound, they help me further expand myself, unfold each day. Each day my heart opens to the light of the day and I feel blessed for every hour given. 

But yeah, that’s basically it. If you want more guidance on loving meditation read about it here, here, and here! And for the geeks and sceptics, there’s a load of evidence based journal articles about the healing qualities of loving kindness and self-compassion, look into the work by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer for a start.

Good luck, and hope to see you here next week, when I pop in again.

Sending lots of warm hugs, 

Madalin x