When Are You Having Children?

Not in this lifetime

Never will I make a child… to stave off the fear in your belly is all that bothers you, to fill it with embryos: an act of tranquillisation, for a people that survives only thanks to its antidepressants - Sorcières, mes soeurs (Witches, my sisters)

When I first read this in Mona Chollet’s ‘In Defence of Witches: Why women are still on trial’, I did a double take. I read it again and again. It hurt me. Why? I thought back to 2020, when COVID-19 was in full swing, I felt cooped up, unmotivated, and bored. I was depressed. What to do… I didn’t really know where or how to move forward with my life. I felt inspired by nothing. Anxious by everything. Maybe I should have a child, I thought. That seems to make a lot of people happy. The thought gave me a sense of relief. A child will fix this, something to put my energy into. Foolishness!

Luckily, I am not so foolish. I told my partner that because I tend to flip flop on my decisions (something I am consistent with lol) I would contemplate this child for 12 months. If I didn’t change my mind then we would seriously discuss it. It only took me a few weeks to realise I defo, for sure, did not want a child. I had been leaning towards choosing children simply because I did not know what else to do with my life. This is not to say that all people have children because they are bored. Only that, the thought occurred to me, and I am not that foolish to believe myself unique.

I’m 33, married, and all my friends are having babies. “When are you having a baby?” is a recurrent theme. When I reply, “we’re not having children”, most people respond with sadness, disappointment, disbelief (you’ll change your mind!) or a shake of the head that implies I am making a huge mistake. One of my friends with children nods knowingly and whispers, good choice.

When I’m walking around the circle route at my local park and I see a cute kid riding their bicycle, pigtails bobbing, I nudge my husband, “look! How cute!” or I cradle my friend’s baby mesmerised by their little belly moving up and down; when people see this they think: she’s clucky, she wants a baby. We confuse appreciation for desire. Often we equate desire with happiness, if I desire that, and I acquire it, I’ll be happy. Like drooling over a donut in a cake shop. We need to acquire it. But I do not desire this experience, by drawing attention to it, I am simply appreciating life. We have forgotten that we can appreciate, value, and behold beauty without the desire to ‘make it ours’. I see your child as a majestic redwood in an old-growth forest; I am in awe at their perfection and beauty, but I don’t need to cut it down and strap it to the roof of my car.

We have this idea that people like me, who don’t want children, are repulsed by children.

Not me, and not many of my other child-free friends (although maybe some are haha). Kids are cute. They have tiny socks and squishy cheeks, they smell fresh, and holding a baby in my arms makes me go all gooey inside. I love children’s curiosity, presence, sense of wonder, belief in magic, and enthusiasm for the world. I really do like kids.

Still, there are plenty of reasons not to have children. Firstly, you might not actually like them (shock horror!), or you might value freedom, silence, money, sleep, career, travel, spontaneity, solitude, cleanliness ect. You might feel that your marriage would be negatively impacted, that your partner wouldn’t be capable, that the stress would be too much, that you wouldn’t cope, that you don’t want to pass down dodgy DNA, that the world is too messed up, that the planet will suffer, that you can’t afford them, or your might just find yourself seriously disturbed at the thought of unlimited patience and poop.

Though I value sleep and solitude, if I had a yearning for a child, those values would not be as relevant as that deep desire for a child. But I don’t possess that desire. I’m averagely maternal, my husband is a school teacher, we both like kids, we would be good parents, we could be parents. But I’m 100% certain I do not want a child. However, it took me a long time to get to this point. I was not one of those women who always knew they didn’t want children. I had assumed I would have 2 or 3 after I was married. But as I got a little older and I had more time to really consider the decision and turn it over in my mind, I started to think, maybe I don’t really need a child? I read a lot of articles and books from women who had children and regretted the decision, and I also spoke to both my sisters who have also made the decision to remain childless.

Maybe it’s not all it’s cracked up to be?

When you make a committed decision you close off many options, and there are an affinity of options available to us. Clear cut decisions like this always make me a little nervy. Because they are so solid. Getting married, buying a house, adopting a puppy, having a child. All firm choices that direct our lives in a definite way, and close down those infinite options available to us. The choice to have children is the most permanent decision. We can divorce, sell the house, re-home the puppy, but I will always be a mother. I think perhaps we do not reflect on the vastness of this decision. It is huge! Humans often like to sit in routine and structure, it makes us feel safe and comfortable, but I live for the uncertainty and unpredictability of life, I love to wake-up and say, I do not know what I am doing today - how wonderful! I do not have a 10 year, 5 year, or 1 year plan. My plan is not to have a plan.

But having children requires a plan. I feel a bit naughty to admit, but I like living my life with an air of guilt-free irresponsibility and disregard for structure. Sometimes I eat breakfast, sometimes I don’t, sometimes I start work at 8am, sometimes at 5pm, I cut my hair when I feel like it, not when it’s due. I do things in the moment; I live for the spontaneity of life. Having children requires responsibility, and I just don’t want it.

As Mona Chollet reminds me, a life without children is:

authorised excess and letting go: an orgy of freedom and time for exploration, in which you can roll and roll til you’re breathless, without fear of going too far, but with the intuition that interesting things begin precisely here, where you would otherwise feel obliged to stop. By my logic, not giving life to others allows us to enjoy our own lives fully.

Please remember, just because I don’t want this lifestyle does not mean I am judging you for your choice. If you believe children still allows for your freedom then that’s great, as Roxanne Gay says, “If something I say doesn’t include or apply to you that doesn’t invalidate your truth”. But if you’ve assumed you will have children, because that’s just what people do, maybe this is something to really think about?

***

But what about love?

People who choose not to have children, are often told, “you won’t experience love like this if you don’t have children”. Because that’s the main drawcard, love. The love a parent feels for their child is a deep, unconditional love. It knows no bounds. It is abundant and limitless. I am often reminded by friends that it is a love they have never known. But I don’t believe unconditional love is only reserved for parents and children; unconditional love is for everyone.

I don’t need a child to give and receive unconditional love. My love is not only expressed through my offspring. I love myself unconditionally, fiercely, compassionately, and that love is continued daily via my thoughts, words, and actions. Unconditional love is a gift from ourselves, to ourselves. I aim to love myself everyday without any conditions. You don’t need to bear children to experience this love. I find myself full of more love than I thought I could ever know, and no child has exited my womb to provide me with this.

My husband joked with me the other day that I was manic, I was singing and dancing, making stupid jokes, and just being ridiculous. I shot back, “no, I’m just really happy!” These past 6 months, no child has entered my life but each day I feel an expansion of my heart as I learn to let go and love myself more deeply. Love is available to us all, not only through the experience of child rearing.

I do not fret about this love I am warned
I will miss,
it’s all there, inside our hearts
I promise you this.

Rolling with you,

Madalin x