We all deal with that voice in our head that tells us we are not enough. I like to label my different voices as characters, that way I can imagine them and respond to them appropriately. I have a whole array of characters living rent-free in my mind, but the boss of them all is Judge Margaret. She reviews the evidence and hands down the verdict. Guilty as charged. Accompanying the verdict of guilt is self-hate, resentment, anxiety, and stress. It’s such a blast.
As I’ve been writing the content for this newsletter, I hear her voicing her concerns for me. She says:
“You teach non-attachment to material possessions but promote STAX new range (MG10!). You teach mindfulness but stand in the shower reviewing that embarrassing thing you did drunk 9 years ago. You teach the importance of spending time in nature and you play Mario Kart in the middle of the day. You preach compassion and you drag the ass of everyone when you play said game (lol). You teach self acceptance and you apply a layer of Tretinoin cream to your face every second night. You teach love but you are a hypocrite and a liar.”
Yeah, Judge M is a ball of fun. My husband always tells me it must be hard to live in my head. It is! but I’m getting better at dealing with my inner critic. It’s important to not disregard that voice, being self reflective is necessary for growth. But being aware of when your analysis oversteps the line, that’s important too.
I like this quote from Dolly Alderton from her book Everything I Know About Love:
“It is futile and knackering to try and make all your tiny choices representative of your moral compass then beat yourself up when this plan inevitably fails. Feminists can get waxed. Priests can swear. Vegetarians can wear leather shoes. Do as much good as you can. The weighty representation of the world cannot rest on every decision you make.”
I am not perfect by any means. I don’t live like a monk, I mess up, I make mistakes, I drink cows milk, I use an eye cream, I get excited when my online order/s arrive… etcetera, etcetera. But what I am done with is self inflicted punishment.
On reflection, I also think it’s an important lesson. Nobody is perfect. Well I mean unless you’re Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, or Lao Tzu. I have flaws, it’s part of what makes me human.
I’m vegetarian (guilty for not being vegan), I drive a car (guilty for destroying the planet), I voted liberal once (guilty for being a liberal voter), I used to promote dieting (guilty for contributing to women’s low self image), half my wardrobe is from Zara (guilty for not being socially responsible). Judge Margaret has ruled me guilty as charged. But I’m not sitting in that guilt anymore and you don’t have to either.
I give myself the grace to be human. It’s okay for me, it’s okay for you. If we were to analyse every part of our lives we probably wouldn’t leave the house, we’d have to sell the house. By all means, make conscious choices. But you don’t have to beat yourself up, we’re not perfect.
Consider the choices you make in your life, let go of what you can, if the time comes for you to let go of more attachments, do it. If you can make more conscious decisions for the planet, do that. If you don’t want to, don’t decide to hate yourself instead. You are trying your best.
I love you!