On waking up,

falling apart, and becoming whole

I ‘woke up’ in 2019 and I had a rough time. I didn’t know what to say, create or do. My choice of skincare, makeup, hairstyle, clothing and jewellery were all overwhelming to me. I couldn’t post a picture on Instagram without overthinking every tiny detail. I felt a huge sense of guilt. I mostly wore an oversized brown men’s T-shirt, tied my wet hair in a nape at my neck, and tried to forget about my body. I was overwhelmed by every choice.

On reflection, the reason I was overwhelmed, was because I was analysing everything. Over-analysis = paralysis. I felt completely paralysed. I couldn’t make the simplest decision. I was so caught up in myself and living in my ego. I may have been awakened, but I had no idea how to live. I felt caught in limbo land, I didn’t want to live in my ego plane, but I didn’t know how to live in my soul plane. So I chose to live in the ego plane of shame, guilt and anxiety. I felt that by punishing myself I was righting my wrongs, choosing to live as the victim, blaming myself and others, this felt awful, but it was all I could do. I was too terrified to live any other way.

After a year of living like this, I finally started on anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I remember crying within the first hour they kicked in. Is this what it feels like to be still? To be normal? I was overwhelmed with relief. The negative voices were still present, but a little weaker, a little quieter. Medication gave me the ability to do the work, and for that I am beyond grateful.

When I reflect on my past self, I feel an incredible amount of compassion for the old me. I had just woken up to myself and I felt ashamed for who I was. I felt guilt for what I had done in my previous life, I felt that I didn’t deserve to be alive. The only way I could feel any relief of this guilt was to punish myself. Because I had to be punished. I was a bad person and I felt this was confirmed by what strangers said about me online. I remember talking to my therapist, “but it’s true, I am bad, look at the facts, why can’t you see it?” I managed okay, in the sense that I wasn’t actively trying to unalive myself, but I hated who I was.

In late 2020, something changed drastically…

My partner, who has always been a source of strength, love, and logic was away from me. He was on a reality show (of all stupid places!) and I was missing him terribly, I couldn’t communicate with him and hadn’t spoken to him for 2 months. But I thought of him all the time. I remember one night, lying in bed and I was thinking about him. I thought he might need me. So I imagined growing a ball of gold light in my chest, I thought about sending that light to him. I didn’t realise that I was unconsciously tapping into the depths of my soul. I imagined sending him my love and I felt a little break within my heart. I hadn’t felt this unconditional love from inside me for so long, for years. Maybe not since I was a child. I felt an outpouring of love and grief and overwhelming compassion. I called my sister in a mess of ugly tears, crying and crying. I had finally forgiven myself. The only love powerful enough to forgive myself, came from my heart, from my soul. I had finally wrapped myself in love. 

From them on, every night, I would not only imagine sending my partner love, but I would cultivate that love inside me too. Because to send the love to him, I had to develop it in myself first. I learnt to tap into that love. Every time I heard the familiar nasty voice that told me I was bad, I responded with love. I repeatedly told myself over and over, “you are loved, you are safe, you are good” over and over until the voice got tired. Sometimes I would lie awake for hours doing this. Over time, the voices becoming even quieter and weaker, and gradually I stopped hearing them at all.

Sure, sometimes the voices come up, and I treat them like old friends. They have names, I know their faces, they do not scare me. I know they are not the real me. I know it’s just a part of me that is based in fear, that really wants the best for me, and I humour and love them.

Once I was able to tap into my soul love, I was able to gradually go off my medication, because I had finally healed myself. The source of my depression and anxiety had come from self-hatred, and now that I had dissolved this, I didn’t need the additional help. However, I will be always open to taking it again if I need it (this isn’t an anti medication story).

I know this was probably not the story you were expecting, I didn’t expect this to come out of me either. But I remember how I felt when I first awoke and it was a new and foreign path. I hope if you are waking up, you give yourself all the love you can manage. Keep growing that ball of light in your chest, it will always be there for you, when you need it most. 

Love you!