New Year, New Me! Goals! Resolutions! Checklists! Rose Gold Spiral Bound Daily Planner! Like, I get the vibes, but I’ll pass.
I realised something about myself at the end of 2021. It led me to create this newsletter and begin the process of closing down my businesses:
I don’t need to make more money if I don’t desire to acquire more stuff. And if I don’t need more stuff, then I don’t need more money, and if I don’t need more money I don’t need to work so hard. And if I don’t work so hard I can spend more time doing the stuff that fills my soul and speaks to my heart.
I mean sure, I need money to eat, pay rent, and put a little savings away for old age, however a lot of additional stuff, I don’t need. I don’t need a Bentley Bentayga, a wardrobe from Net-a-Porter, La Mer Crème de la Mer, or a Bottega Veneta Padded Cassette bag. Because I know, deep inside me, that I already have it all. When I continue to tap into my soul plane, I don’t crave for anything to fill those parts of me, because I am already full.
Perhaps some people find contentment living in their ego, I don’t deny that. It sure provides that impression on social media. We look at people who are posting imagery of their beautiful, luxurious, perfect lives and we think, I want that, that will make me feel fulfilled.
We want their perfectly decorated Christmas tree, their perfectly adorable children, their perfectly adoring partner, their perfectly glowy skin, their perfectly round glutes, their perfectly labelled spice cabinet, their perfectly organised shoe collection. We aspire for this life every year when we write our New Years Resolutions. We sign up for courses, buy the books, manifest intently, create our vision boards, practice abundant thinking and cleanse our crystals in the moonlight. We just want to have it all. Then we’ll be happy we say.
I used to ‘have it all’. I thought I felt pretty good most of the time, but it was a precarious position; it was built on something that wasn’t real. I remember I was making a lot of money, I was gaining thousands of followers daily, people were crashing my website, I was one of only a handful of Australian athletes sponsored by Gymshark, I was at the peak of my career. I was living the life most people have on their vision boards, by all accounts, I did ‘have it all’. I remember boarding my first flight on Business Class and thinking, wow I’ve made it.
But something was missing.
I would ruthlessly compare myself to others in my industry. Why is Women’s Health not featuring me on the front cover? Why are my events not selling out? Why don’t I receive as many likes as her? Why doesn’t this podcast interview me? Why don’t I sell as many eBooks as she does?
If I ‘had it all’, why did I feel so miserable?
I was extremely jealous and insecure (and I haven’t even started on my body insecurities). I had connected my entire identity to my success in business and to my body, and if either of these things experienced a slight bump, I would fall off my comfortable throne of pride into a spiral of shame.
Nothing I had built was real, the only reality was love.
I knew I wasn’t alone. Many of the influencers I met at fitness events would pick apart their bodies as we compared ourselves to each other. You could feel the shame in the air when a size medium was requested (not an XS, gasp!). Clearly even the ones that appeared to ‘have it all’, did not.
How do you define success? Go on, write it down.
If we define success through capitalism, success = gain. Marrying a reasonably wealthy husband/wife, building a body designed in accordance with the set beauty standards, increasing social media followers across all platforms, or ‘x’ number of booty bands sold. To lose one of these things = failure. This is how I used to define success and success was my identity, without my identity I was nothing. To lose my success was to lose everything I had worked hard to build.
Greed arises from a sense of incompleteness, it is seeking to fill a hole in ourselves. It is a hunger for identity and protection, but at its core it is a need to be loved. I was building myself up via my attachments, to protect myself from external and internal forces, to use my attachments as armour. But I was completely disconnected from myself and others. My attachments kept me separated from love.
Most self development advice is based on the theme of ‘gaining’. They are written appealing to the ego, they say, “here’s what you can gain if you do this.” But what if losing is gaining and gaining is losing? What if you have to lose yourself to find yourself? By gaining we are creating attachments which disconnect us from who we truly are. A life with limited attachments is a path to freedom.
Whoa, hold up. I don’t want to be a monk!
If you’re reading this freaking out thinking but I just got a Dyson Airwrap for Christmas! Just take a deep breath, you don’t need to feel guilty for enjoying your nice things. I’m not teaching you how to be a monk (I don’t know that much tbh), this is about learning to let go of attachments that don’t serve us. I still have some attachments, but I’ve learnt to let go of many things I used to be attached to. I’ve technically lost 400,000 followers, 90% of my income, and 3 businesses. I don’t own a car, or a house, or a designer handbag. According to the rules of capitalism, I’m a ‘failure’, but I don’t feel like one. I feel incredibly blessed. I finally love myself. What a gift!
Be gentle on yourself, you don’t need to give it all up instantly. Your ego might even convince you that those things make you happy. But if you look deep inside, you will see the truth: you don’t need anything extra because you are already perfect.
Let it go, you already have it all.
I love you!
Thank you so much for this honest post.
LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!!! Thank you for sharing what you 'lost' but all the things you've gained by letting go. Very impressive to see these discussions given the fake reality we see everyday on social media that is so hard to not compare yourself to. Everyday I remind myself it's not real and if it is, who cares!