An ode to joy: joy does not hold still for anyone
I thought of this quote as my friend met me for lunch, she had just come from her first Botox appointment. A few years ago I had recommended this injector to my friend, “she does it really subtle, no one will know”.
Gwyneth Paltrow shared her weird diet on a podcast and the response by many was to comment on her wrinkles, thinning hair and dry skin as evidence of her poor health. I wonder if it’s just been so long since we’ve seen what a 50 year old celebrity looks like without a full face of make-up, filters and not Botoxed within an inch of their life.
From tech billionaries who inject blood into their cells to cheat death to scentless glycerin coated roses lasting 365 days, we are a society obsessed with permanence. Despite the fact that everything changes and nothing lasts forever, we do what we can to freeze and control things as we see fit. So who can really blame Gwynnie?
Gwyneth admits to getting the ‘cleaner’ version of Botox because as she told People magazine, “sometimes you just need a little extra help”. Help to keep what is fading, stop the aging process and hold onto youth. But even this isn’t enough to prevent people commenting that she looks old.
I’m wondering what will people be happy with? Do we choose between looking ‘too weird’ like Madonna or ‘too aged’ like Gwyneth? We want fat in our faces but not in our bodies, hair on our heads not on our legs, too old or too weird, is anyone else just so exhausted?
I’m exhausted of attempting to chase youth, but I still can’t help feeling a sense of smugness when somebody compliments me with, “you don’t look 34”! but I’m aware that my wrinkles are beginning; my skin is different than it used to be. Looking in the mirror this morning, my 11s (the spot in between your brows) were especially prominent. They were set deep into my face. This place is often the first spot you choose to get Botox because it feels so natural. Who wants to look angry? It’s the face you make when you’re in a bad mood right? That’s how I always saw it.
I’ve been getting Botox in my 11s since I was 28 and this is the longest I’ve gone without having them done. It hasn’t been easy to ignore them. I keep complaining to my friend about them, “just go and get them done, who cares, it’s no big deal”. But I refuse. I feel like I’m in a war against my face as laughable as that is. I look at it everyday and I say no. I feel this sense of stubbornness, I will not *shakes fist*! Why am I being so stubborn? I mean, nobody does care right? It’s not going to change the world either way if I get my 11s done or not.
But to me it does matter. Because this is where it starts. I want to grow into a woman who embraces her wrinkles even if I am surrounded by smooth faces. I’ll wear them proudly because it’s been such a struggle for me to accept them, when the alternative is just so easy to remove them. And that does make me proud as little and inconsequently as it sounds. Small choices matter.
My 11s aren’t a sign of how angry I’ve been in my life. They are signs of all the times I’ve intently listened to a friend, of all the exams I’ve studied for, of all the great books I’ve read, of all the knowledge I’ve learned, of all the times I’ve been focussed and concentrated and cared! Why would I want to remove that evidence from my face?
My 11s are an ode to my joy, and they are staying right where they are.
Sending warm hugs,
Madalin
When I read this it reminded me of my anger towards my acne that still exists at 38. Frustration. But how do we shift? What does that look like. Radical self acceptance and self love. How can I love my acne and not be ashamed. How can you love you 11 and not feel this or that from our external societies projection of what is defined as beautiful.
Really Ive found we are all living on the surface of illusions and whats really being called forth is are ability to fully and whole heartily accept and love ourselves. Amit the external saids..